I had been away from blogger for quite some time. Well, actually a longgg time!
Many a times, I thought to myself: "It's time to blog, Carmen!".
As much as I'd like to update my dear friends of how I am coping with my life and all, it seems the longer I stay away, it's getting harder for me to just come and blog about something new when I've been gone for god knows how long!
I need some motivation people! Show me some loveeeeeeee (;
I hope everyone has been well and hasn't missed me too much ya! :p
Many things happened and before I knew it, BAM! The week is coming to an end.
I had a pretty bad week.
I could go on and on about why it was bad, but nah, I won't.
Go figure, use your imagination. That's what it is for, yes?
At least for now, I'm glad it is and can only get better than before.
Start of a new week, start of something new for me. (:
I've changed my blog address, obviously for a reason and a purpose.
If you know why, good.
Otherwise, don't bother asking.
Well, this is just a short update to assure those who cared that I am fine.
For the time being, at least. (:
Food for thought.
I've heard this before but forgot what are the exact words and all.
A little changes here and there, but the meaning remains intact.
Here goes, especially to my dear Karmene:
So you've wondered a thousand what ifs, but this one you can't let go.
The doubt, the query, the question mark, the sigh, the uncertainty, the cold.
You grasp at all the possibilities, you wonder till you cry.
But it doesn't make letting go any easier on you.
You're slumped onto the ground of your conciousness.
You wish you didn't have to feel this way because in the end, every moment has a meaning, and every meaning has its significance.
And you know thats all you need to know..
Perhaps that's all you'll ever need to know.
Disappointment is a one way street towards motivation.
Don't stick yourself in the middle of it and try to make your way back to where you have begun. The motivation might bring you somewhere.. Somewhere else.
You grasp at all the possibilities, you sing one heartfelt song.
But it doesn't make saying goodbye any easier.
You're slumped onto the ground of your conciousness.
You wish you didn't have to feel this way because in the end, every missed door, opens a new one.
You wish you didn't have to feel this way because in the end, every end is a new beginning.
And you know cliches usually run true..
Really,
Cliches usually run true.
I hope you will pick yourself up soon and find the happiness which you so deserve. You really deserve to be happy, you know you deserve it. (:
To my dearest love:
I know you will always be mine, till the end of time.
It's not enough.
If I can..
I will lock you up in my heart, then thrust the key with all my might into the deep waters of Bermuda Triangle.
Now I can know for sure, that you will always be mine,
my one and only love. (:
What a feeling!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007 ?
If something untowards were to befall on me,
perhaps, say...
i) If I were to keep to myself the whole day, I'll probably only have myself at the end of the day..
ii) If I were to keep quiet in the class, maybe no one is aware of my existence..
iii) If I am sad and puts on a "smile" in front of everyone, especially my "friends", they probably will never know that was just a facade to cover up my sadness..
iv) In the middle of the night, while attending to nature's call inside the bathroom, I slipped and hit my head against the ground and fainted.
Will anyone be there to save me?
v) If I were to slip out of my room quietly, it might already be noon time when anyone realize that I'm missing..
vi) If I were to leave this cruel world one fine day, perhaps the people around me, like my "friends", will know of my departure a month later..
This is a very cruel world..
An exceptionally cruel world..
One which I am living in and enduring the cruelty and harsh treatment which life brings to me..
Honey, I love you.
Thanks for everything..
So much to tell, but I just couldn't get the right words, just do not know where to start from..
But only "I love you"..
You are my one and only, half "of my everything" ;
Daddy, mummy and bro, I love all of you.
Thanks for giving me an impeccably wonderful family - you guys are "half" of my everything.
Darling and my family - they are my everything; the rest are all nothing;
Without either one of my everything - Now that is call nothing!
What a feeling!
Sunday, May 20, 2007 ?
Last night, we had girls talk till 3am! ^.^
We discussed a lot of topics, ranging from funeral ceremonies to marriage life, to intelligent primary school students. While we were talking about our marriage life, in future that is, Qiao Lin and Yi Ting mentioned something which has never cross my mind...
One of them mentioned something like digging your nose, breaking wind or scratching your butt(!!!) in front of your spouse in future and this led us to another topic - Do we dare to do these things in front of our partner? If you observe your parents' behaviour closely, you will realise that they are actually very comfortable with one another doing all these in their presence! Amazing!
Then again, if a couple is not capable of doing all these, it just goes to show that they are not perfectly comfortable with each other, yeah?
After we were done with our talk, I was still thinking over this topic. I had done a lot of things in front of darling and baby had done a lot of things in front of me! So I guess we are very at ease with one another! >.< Haha!
I think being married is like the 2nd best thing in life because having to enjoy a lifetime with each other after tying the knot, that is the perfect thing of all! Actually, I am looking very forward to marriage! Do not get me wrong, I am neither hinting darling to propose to me(NO no! Really!!>.<) nor wanting to tie the knot asap! Haha! I really just feel that marriage is a wonderful thing. You get to spend everyday with one another.. When you open your eyes in the morning, your love is sleeping right next to you. When you close your eyes at night, he's the last person you have seen, talked and most importantly, think of. You get to prepare delicious breakfast for him (& your adorable kids!) and some days, he will be the one preparing breakfast for you! You get to go shopping for clothes, groceries, anything, together. You get to make plans for one another. You get to squabble over minor issues and a hug is all it takes to resolve everything. On a lazy afternoon, you get to lay on the couch, relax and enjoy each other's company. You get to be in his comforting arms while watching television on the sofa. Your love picks you up from work without fail everyday. He gives you a soft kiss on the cheek and says: "You've had a hard day, honey.".Then, you'll start filling him in about the things which happened to you and vice versa.
There are people who thinks that married life is monotonous, that in life, there are much more things waiting for us to pursue. But for me, as long as I have a a smooth career life, a good marriage and a good family life with my husband and kid(s), I am contented. (:
What a feeling!
?
This morning, I finally figured how to capture screen shot pictures!
I'm so happy!
Hence, I took many random pictures of my desktop!
Click on all pictures to have an enlarged view.
My pretty desktop
Nice eh? Hehe!
And I am so happy now!
And I am so happy now!
Darling baby just sent me a "love letter" in doc. format.
Have a look at this:
He's so sweet lar!!!!! >.<
Just reading it is enough to make me smile for a whole day! You just made my day, you know darling? Muackz! I love you! (:
Gonna leave for dinner soon.
I miss you baby!
Have a nice sleep!! >.<
My honey boy!!!!
What a feeling!
Saturday, May 19, 2007 ?
Hola everyone! I'm finally back to the blogging world >.< For those who were worried over my absence in class, blogging world or whatever social events & had asked me out of concern over msn or in person, thank you so much! I am alright already!(:
I'd say that life had been pretty hard on me for the past two weeks. Just when I was picking myself up from the earlier ordeal, trying to get over the bad incidents, more things happened. As if my plight was not bad enough, I had to fall sick with a series of symptoms like diarrhoea, vomitting and lack of appetite. This continued for days & I had to skip two days of school instead! The following contains pretty disgusting, or rather, repugnant information. If you're having your meal right now, you are advised not to carry on reading.
You have been warned. (:
I gave a call to my form teacher-in-charge on Wednesday morning, informing her about my condition which has deteriorated. She began asking me random questions like "how many times did you went to the toilet?", "was it diarrhoea or just like the normal stuff?", so on and so forth. I answered accordingly and further on added that I noticed blood stains on the toilet bowl while I was *Ahem* & on the tissue paper when I was *Ahem*. I was pretty petrified when I realised there were blood stains, but my friends calmed me down by saying perhaps I went to the toilet for too many times, therefore causing my skin to be teared a little due to excessive of *Ahem*.
So after hearing this, my teacher urged me to go to the hospital because she reckons it must be due to internal bleeding! Wow, GREAT. -.- And this got me thinking about Pei Jin's recent experience in the hospital.
This happened during her 2nd visit to the hospital. She was down with gastric flu and she told the doctor that an extra piece of news. Just like me, she discovered blood stains on the tissue paper while she was *Ahem*. So the doctor immediately added another 2 more drips to her poor "already had 3 drips inserted" hand. And just like my teacher, the doctor thought that Pei Jin might be suffering from internal bleeding! Really.. these people.. I've got nothing to say about them. Okay, they're damn paranoid!!!!!!!! Pei Jin was already very weak then, yet the doctor gave her so many medicine for don't know what sickness, and so many at a time! What if her body could no longer take it? And according to Pei Jin, it is not a custom for the doctors over here to inform their patients of the type of medicine they are giving them. How great. -.-
I was then having second thought about going to the hospital. I wasn't sure if they could cure me. I certainly do not wish to be a guinea pig.
Then, I asked my teacher who would be accompanying me to the hospital? I mean, you can't expect me to make my way there myself yeah? I've never been to a hospital, I wouldn't know what are the procedures like and all! And this was how my very CARING teacher replied: "I'll be very busy today so I can't accompany you. Hmm.. how about you go to the hospital yourself? Or maybe you can get your friends? Oh, you can approach the students in Room 130.". I can't believe this was her reply. So much for "Approach me if there's anything. I'll try my best to help.". Great help indeed.
My friends were asking me to go to the hospital while others were asking me to observe for another day. I was at my wits' end and therefore sms-ed my mummy. Strangely enough, she did not reply until at night. This was very unusual of her, since she never fail to ring me up minutes after I sms her. I was in despair and at that moment, I wanted to go home very badly. Dear Pei Jin was very kind to stay behind in my hostel and look after me albeit being sick herself!
Thank you, my dear. (:
My mornings were spent in the toilet. Whatever I eat comes out minutes after that. I was so worn out. It was only until noon time till I could have a good rest. I slept until evening time, when my roommates were back from a day of lessons. I was feeling much better then.
Awhile later, Yi Fang invited us over to her room as it was Hui Jun's birthday and she was going to cut her birthday cake. We brought along the presents which we've prepared long ago for her and went over. I was surprised to see most of my classmates in there. You must be feeling very blessed to have so many people celebrating your birthday with you yeah, Hui Jun? (: So anyway, the moment I stepped foot into the room, my classmates began throwing questions at me, like: "Carmen! You okay already?", "Carmen! You lost so much weight! You okay not?", "Carmen! You look very pale! Are you still having tummy ache?" and etc. I was overwhelmed by their concern. Thank you all, my friends. I really didn't expect this. Thank you. (:
My mum called that night. She just received my sms then and called immediately. It must be the damn lousy china connection's fault..
Well, it's been days after that. I'm very much alright now and I'm starting to get my appetite and meals routine back! These days I've often heard comments like: "Carmen! You lost so much weight! Did you eat? Please eat more!". I know I know.. I've lost too much weight all of a sudden. But trust me, it was never my intention to deliberately skip meals for days in order to shed off about 5kg in less than a week or two, although previously I was on a diet routine. :x Actually, it freaks me out every morning when I weigh myself on the weighing scale, only to find my weight dropped by another 0.5kg! By the way, I'm 43.5kg at present. This is by far, the lightest weight I've gotten ever since my height is at 160cm. I know this is damn unhealthy and I've got my parents, especially mummy, worried sick over me every now and then.
Speaking of mummy, here's a very cute incident which happened on Thursday, while I was talking to her over the phone. My jeans and some tees are now too loose for me to wear, so I had to get new ones! That day, I went out with Pei Jun, Pei Jin and Janice. We went to eat Korean food and shopped a little. It's been days since I got out of my school! >.< So I excitedly fill mummy in about my shopping gains. All of a sudden, mummy broke out into tears! She was smiling and crying at the same time.. She said it has been so long since she heard me telling her about my shopping trips, how I managed to slash the prices, how I spent my money and the things that I bought.. And she said she hope that I'll be good in no time, back to normal, doing these. She will be more than happy to know that I'm spending her money, be it on food, clothes or other stuffs because this is what Carmen should be doing! She kept asking me to spend more on food, haha! Aww, my mummy is such a sweetie! I almost cried with her!!>.<
Anyway, my family will be coming over to visit me on the 2nd of June. Initially, they planned to come around the end of June. Yet when my folks got news of me being sick and am physically and mentally down, daddy immediately booked tickets to come over asap. How sweet! I know they must be worried sick. I love you daddy, mummy and ah boy!! Can't wait to see you all in just another 14 days!!! (:
I miss you, baby dear. I am longing for the day when I can lie in your arms, when you will comfort me with your soothing words, soft touch and tender kisses. >.< I so can't wait to see you darling! I love you, love you so so very much!! (:
What a feeling!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007 ?
What a feeling!
Thursday, May 3, 2007 ?
to carmen baby,
i'm sorry i hurt you and did what i did..
i know i've hurt you ever so deeply and i'm really very sorry baby..
you said that sorry wont cure anything and you're right..
i cant undo what i've done..i've hurt you deeply and bad enough..
i'm sorry..i know it cant do miracles but i'm sorry baby..i really am..
your heart is broken..scattered into pieces..
but i'll spend my days fixing up the broken pieces.. i'm sorry..
i'll use part of my heart to cover up the brokenness in your heart..
it may take some time but i'll do it.. your heart wont be the same again..
but at least your heart and mine would be the same..beating as one..
and as time passes by, it'll once again get used to the new condition it's in..
yours and mine.. one heart..2 lovers..
i know you're tired.. and you're stressed up about many other things too..
the sudden gush of downfall really took it's toll on you baby..
but hold on ok..i'll be there for you..i promise..
you're tired..let me lead this relationship..lean on me..
and if you cant walk anymore..i'll carry you..
No, you wont add to my burden.. even while carrying you..
i can go a thousand miles more than if i were to walk alone..
and i thank you for the chance you've given me to prove myself..
i wont let you down baby.. ever.. i promise..
i love you.. i just love you my dear..
this ain't no lie.. it will never be a lie.. i promise..
the tears i shed and the way i beg for your forgiveness.. that was no lie..
i was and i am afraid of losing you.. i cant afford to lose you..
it's scary.. even for me..
thank you baby for everything you've done..
now it's my turn to take the lead and guide you through our relationship ok..
it'll be a long and tough road, like you said..
but i'll go through it with you.. never leaving your side..
i love you baby..
love,
chris
What a feeling!
?
L O V E
YOU!!!
ok..this picture is ugly and my hair is in a mess but.. MUACKX!!>.<
What a feeling!
?
Many things happened within a week, one thing after another & it gets even bigger than before. Yesterday was by far, my lowest point in life. I thought I wouldn't be able to pull through.. I was sick & weak. Thankfully, my friends were with me through it all & you.. who spent almost the entire day trying to change my decision. I'm glad everything is fine & that things are getting back to normal.
To this best friend of mine: I am fine now. Do not worry & do not ever blame yourself for this predicament of mine. I'm glad we've cleared the misunderstanding between us. & thank you for being my listening ear... I love you.
To my friends: I'm sorry I've made you all worried all these while. I'm thankful, really thankful, that I've got a bunch of good friends who stood by me, advising me, cheering me up, talking sense into my head, lending me many shoulders to cry on & lastly, be with me throughout this ordeal. I felt very touched when some of you do not even expect me to go into details about the matter but just showed me care, concern & love. I'm really guilty when you all shed tears for me, but at the same time, I felt blessed. I can't express how thankful I am for everything which you girls did. I am really touched. Thank you, my dear friends. A big hug for all of you. I love you all!
To you: I'm glad everything is fine. I'm sorry we had to come to this but at least, it made you learnt something & it made me learnt something as well. Probably, this is all God's work & He is working his will on me, on us. There were too many coincidences - one matter after another, a matter which happened so long ago got digged up by mere chance & all these happened during holidays where I could take the time to think it through. Probably He wants to test me & if I managed to surpass this ordeal, the journey which lies ahead of me will be a smooth one. I believed that our relationship is a blessed one & hence, with God's blessing together with our faith, if we can walk through this together, we will have a beautiful future. It will be tough on you to walk this arduous journey, but do not lose hope. I am happy to know how much you love me, how much you need me, how much you want me, how much effort you put into this relationship in order to salvage it & how desperate you were when you tried talking me round. I can see, I can tell, I can feel & I am glad. This was something which I never expected from you... but you kept assuring me, trying to convince me. & since I've nothing to lose, I will give you that last bit of hope & trust. Time will tell. I love you. (:
I will be strong. I will be fine in no time. I will be back to my normal self soon. I will gain back the weight which I've lost so drastically & I will be happy. (:
What a feeling!
Tuesday, May 1, 2007 ?
Just when I thought of walking away from this friendship, something had to happen to her. If I just walk away now, people will look at me as the bad guy. If I stay, everyone thinks that this should be the way. I hate being taken for granted.
I hope & pray that she is safe & healthy at all times.
I always thought of you as my best friend because you were very open to me & I felt very comfortable confiding in you. We always bitched & laughed about others. You made me think that although everyone else around me are fake, at least our friendship is real. It never occurred to me that you'll treat the other girls the same as the way you treat me. It just struck me that all along, throughout our 2 years plus of friendship, it has always been me who make the first move, who had been giving into this friendship of ours without any qualms. I am such a silly fool..
Please, prove me wrong?
I felt betrayed. Teach me, tell me, how do I go about facing this girl? & I still have to face her for one year & a half more..
What a feeling!